All of New York City is in the holiday spirit. Here’s an example. I ran into a mugger and he let me go as long as I promised to write him a check.
-- David Letterman

Does it seem that everyone is in the holiday spirit? It’s amazing. I was taking a walk during my lunch break in Central Park and saw a squirrel putting tinsel on its nuts.
-- David Letterman

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.
-- Unknown

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
-- Johnny Carson