One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
-- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
-- Tommy Cooper

"My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
-- Buddy Hackett

My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife.
-- Scott Roeben

The wife's in a bad mood. She asked me to pay for her new cosmetic surgery. I told her it was too expensive and she should iron out the wrinkles herself...
-- Robert Paul

I don't care if she doesn't know how to cook - so long as she doesn't know a good lawyer.
-- Errol Flynn (on the ideal Wife)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henry Youngman