Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal (City Slickers, 1991)

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
-- Les Dawson

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
-- Barry Humphries

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
-- Joan Rivers

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
-- Bette Midler

Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles.
-- George Mikes (How To Be An Alien, 1946)

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
-- Rita Rudner

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.
-- Garry Shandling

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.
-- Scott Roeben