I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, 'Blue goes with everything'

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

A new viagra virus is going round the Internet. It doesn't affect your hard drive, but you can't minimize anything for hours.

My body is falling so fast my gyaenacologist wears a hard hat.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.