I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I thought, "What part of my body is telling me that?"

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.