Incontinence Hotline...can you hold please!
-- Anonymous

When mom found my diaphram, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
-- Liz Winston

People who say, 'Anything is possible' have never tried to complain to a recorded announcement.
-- Sam Ewing (quoted in National Enquirer)

I'm living on a one-way dead end street. I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright

(French Translation) - Apéritif: a set of dentures.

-- Spike Milligan

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
-- Jack Benny

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
-- Bernard Manning

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
-- Billy Connolly

When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.
-- Jackie Vernon

When I finished school I took one of those career aptitude tests and, based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime.
-- Tim Cavanagh