All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
-- Steven Wright

I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told em I had dyslexia.
-- Spanky

I didn't realize he was a teetotaler until he went off to fix himself a stiff drink and came back with an ice lolly.
-- Max Kauffmann

I wanted to become a Mechanic, but my Father told me I wasn't motorvated enough.
-- Robert Paul

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
-- Henry Youngman

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
-- W.C. Fields

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
-- Woody Allen (circa 1965)

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
-- Tommy Cooper

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
-- Steven Wright

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-- John Mendoza