Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
-- Mae West (Myra Breckinridge, 1970)

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
-- Eddie Cantor (Kid Millions, 1934)

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.
-- Bill Kelly

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
-- Clint Eastwood (The Rookie, 1990)

I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
-- Tim Vine

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
-- Steven Wright

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
-- Milton Berle

They say the best exercise takes place in the bedroom. I believe it, because that's where I get the most resistance.
-- Jeff Shaw

I used to think 'Tora! Tora! Tora!' was about a Rabbi taking inventory.
-- Dick Cavett

The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He'll now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
-- Ronnie Barker