I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
-- Steven Wright

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
-- Steven Wright

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.
-- Anonymous

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
-- Milton Berle

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.
-- Unknown

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
-- Emo Philips

She saw a sign saying 'Wet Floor.' So she did!
-- Joan Rivers

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
-- Steven Wright

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the matress half gone.
-- Fred Allen

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
-- Groucho Marx (Horse Feathers, 1932)