[on the epidemic of tv celebrity shows]
They're doing a new show: Celebrity Corpse, where you dig up someone after five years and try to guess who they were.

For me deadpan is a very useful technique. You can say something funny but if you look as if you don't know it's funny yourself, you get an extra laugh.

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'

My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.