I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

I am playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
-- (as spoken to conductor André Previn in a tv sketch)

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.