A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
-- (quoted in Underground Humor, 1997, ed: Edward Bergin)

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George!

The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?

Anyone who ever said a dog was man's best friend never had a pet chimpanzee.