17 February
I went to a record shop and said 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said, 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket.'
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Tim Vine
Years ago I used to supply filofaxes for the mafia. Yeah, I was involved in very organised crime.
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Milton Jones
When I was a kid my Fairy-Godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory. I forget my response.
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Stewart Francis
I failed Math so many times I can't even count.
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Stewart Francis
16 February
I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my own voicemails.
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Andrew Lawrence
It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe it can be physically done, and the other half are doing it.
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Winston Churchill
Love is like wine. To sip is fine, but to empty the bottle is a headache.
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Julio Iglesias
It ain't sex that's troublesome. It's staying up all night looking for it.
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Casey Stengall
15 February
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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Tim Vine
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
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Greg Giraldo
Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.
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Jay Leno
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
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Lewis Black
I hear their going to battle alchoholism with LSD. That'll put a new perspective on tramps: 'Any spare change mate, I've got a unicorn to feed.'
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Frankie Boyle
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
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Nick Helm
This phone hacking scandal just won't go away. Literally everyone I eavesdrop on is talking about it!
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Omid Djalili
Hedgehogs....Why can't they just share the hedge?
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Dan Antopolski
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: "This could be interesting."
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Paddy Lennox
I saw a sign that said 'Have you seen this man?', so I phoned up and said, "No"
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Kevin Bridges
I don't understand the appendix. Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?
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Dara O Briain
14 February
They're going to ban smoking in private vehicles. That's left smokers fuming. But not in their cars.
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Jimmy Carr
Got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-man in to finish it off.
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Stephen Grant
Who are the most decent people in the hospital? The ultrasound people.
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David O'Doherty
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They train for that.
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Milton Jones
Saw a bloke chat up a cheetah and I thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one!'
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Tim Vine
7 December
What bounces and makes kids cry? My last cheque to Children in Need.
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Ricky Gervais
23 November
Scientists studying the perfect bra have been filming women running with no bra on and looking at the effects. The first one being the bulge in the scientists' trousers.
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Jimmy Carr
16 January
[On Clint Eastwood running for Mayor] What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
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Ronald Reagan
An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.
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Ann Landers
15 January
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
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Conan OBrien
I used so much hairspray that I feel personally responsible for global warming.
--
Dusty Springfield
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