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| Joke Quotes |
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
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Oscar Levant |
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Groucho Marx |
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
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Henry Youngman |
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
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Les Dawson |
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
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Henry Youngman |
Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Unknown |
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Tommy Cooper |
People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
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Ellen DeGeneres |
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
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Ellen DeGeneres |
You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.
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Anonymous (as quoted by Arnold Bax in Farewell My Youth - 1943) |
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