So what if I can't spell Armageddon...it's not the end of the world.
-- Stewart Francis

What bounces and makes kids cry? My last cheque to Children in Need.
-- Ricky Gervais

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
-- Tommy Cooper

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
-- Bob Monkhouse

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
-- Billy Connolly

A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime."
-- Sam Ewing

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones

I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
-- Milton Berle