And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.
-- Tommy Cooper

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? One hundred. One to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to say, "I could have done that."
-- Norm Crosby

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
-- Henry Youngman

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson

What do you mean, funny? Funny-peculiar or funny ha-ha?
-- Ian Hay (The Housemaster - 1938)