Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.
-- (at the 1979 Oscars®)

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.