I know a transsexual guy who's only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
-- (Brain Droppings, 1997)

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-- (Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help, 1984)

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
-- (Napalm and Silly Putty, 2001)

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
-- (Brain Droppings, 1997)