I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
-- Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W.C. Fields

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
-- Fyodor Dostoyevski

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
-- Clarence Darrow

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch with your children...
-- Johnnie Casson

A boy's story is the best that is ever told.
-- Charles Dickens

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
-- Jack Benny

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby