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| Billy Connolly Quotes |
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(b. 1942) - Scottish comedian, actor, musician.
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My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
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Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
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Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd sh*g everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still."
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
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I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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Save the Trees?...Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of cigarette packet.
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Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it's not bad enough him being a Jehova's Witness, they're accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the freeway with.
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