A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

[Sportscaster Frank talking]
I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant!
I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!

[Announcement on Easyjet plane]
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are at 35,000 feet. Please hold onto your wallets, we're flying over Liverpool.

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

When was the last time you saw an Iraqi in a f***ing helicopter?
-- (UK pilot after US marines fired on his Chinook Helicopter)

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a
cardboard box whilst a draft dodger lives in the White House.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.